ELT in Brazil

First things first, a disclaimer. This is an entirely satirical blog entry, freighted heavily with my very own personal bias, bad sense of humor, and unsolicited opinion. That said, here’s a guide to writing a boring talk! =]

I have compiled a checklist of 5 items you ought to make sure you tick while planning a talk so that you can effectively bore attendants to death. Note that for full bore-potential all boxes must be ticked, however, three or four items might suffice for the easily-dulled mind.

1. Make it sound like a book/article summary

Everyone’s goal in a course or session is to gather information they could have gathered themselves by reading the same books and articles you have read. We are all deeply interested in a quick literature review so we don’t have to waste our time studying.

2. Make it all about theory without any practical application

Purely theoretical talks, with no connection to reality, the classroom, or teaching whatsoever are bound to quickly achieve maximum bore-potential. Make sure no practical application is present because this is not what teachers are looking for. What we really want are talks from which nothing can be taken to the classroom. What joy.

3. Make sure your slides have whole paragraphs in them

This is crucial. Beautiful and engaging slides will hinder the dullifying aspects of your talk. What you want to have are slides filled with text, from top to bottom, left to right. If you can, make sure the font is smaller than 30, heck, 20, so that participants have a hard time reading and just give up mid-paragraph. If you have no text to add to your slides, try including Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet. Ut nisi iure non earum tempore et rerum quia qui delectus numquam id laboriosam iure non amet quaerat. In ullam voluptatem aut similique optio aut error consectetur sed quos corrupti. Est voluptatem mollitia ut voluptatibus cumque est sapiente praesentium id expedita voluptatibus qui quod quidem qui obcaecati ipsa. Cum nihil amet quo molestiae porro et nihil dolorem ea quaerat assumenda est culpa rerum et quos ullam.

4. Make sure it is all about selling that course/product of yours

Everyone’s favorite are sales pitches. Nothing beats the feeling of going into a session with a fun title only to find out it is a sales pitch for that newly designed instagram influencer guide for the 21st century in the metaverse. After all, ‘conference’ is synonymous to ‘shark tank’. Undeniably fun.

5. Make no personal connection to the topic

This last topic is at the bottom of this list but should be a top priority of yours. No one, absolutely no person on earth wants your personal experience or perspective on a topic. Back to the first topic, all teachers want are cold facts and data. To achieve this, make sure you don’t personalize the topic to your context, experience, or classroom practice.

By ticking most or all items in this list, you’ll definitely secure a shiny frame in the hall-of-fame of must-watch talks. Participants can’t wait to miss it!

Heavily inspired by this masterpiece.